I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize