last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
