I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
