I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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