Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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