I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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