that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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