You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
