My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
When are your genitals available?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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