i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
