when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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