and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
