Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
