are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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