My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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