no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
