addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
