My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
