if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
