I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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