Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
