I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
