Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
