Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
