I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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