and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
