I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
