im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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