The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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