The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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