And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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