does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also, beer. Big fan.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
