So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
