i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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