i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
