I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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