I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
