It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
