Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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