Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize