Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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