Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
zippers are such a cool invention
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize