just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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