I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
