I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
