Swine flu. Run for my life!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
