She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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