I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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