I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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