I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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