Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
