The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
