you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
