I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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