Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
