I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
