still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
