also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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