Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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