you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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