You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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