you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
foreskin is a definite game changer
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
